Yea. It's a cliche. So what.

So yes. It is a new year. And yes. I am attempting for the UMPTEENTH time at a healthier lifestyle. This time, however, it HAS to stick. I am so done. Done with being tired. Done with aching every time I stand up. Done with preferring to sit on the couch instead of play with my 2 year old. Done with loathing shopping because I know nothing is going to fit or look right. Done with eating three or four full meals between midnight and 4 am because eating is the only thing that I enjoy doing anymore. Done with not having money because it all goes to fast food or Starbucks. Done with the looks I get from my parents about my weight. They claim to be supportive, but the judgmental looks are real. DONE WITH BEING SINGLE.... Seeing that society's view on weight is not going to change in the next couple of months and guys are not suddenly going to start legitimately putting intelligence and personality over looks, I am going to have to change myself. What's frustrating also is seeing either women who are WAAAAAY bigger than me or women who are super bitchy with perfectly normal and nice men. Wth. What did I do wrong? Other than choosing wrong initially.... I'm starting to hate the greeting card sentiments of "There is someone out there for everyone", "when you stop looking, you'll find someone" and "when you love yourself, you'll attract love". Oh shut up!! Such a load of shit! I DO love myself (fyi - I'm pretty damn awesome!), don't kid yourself - every person who is single is looking to some degree, and I really am not convinced that there is someone out there for everyone. Let me tell ya, it is all sorts of fun being this size (maybe one day, I'll be brave enough to post my current weight, but it isn't today. Suffice to say it is a whole person larger than I used to be.) in a 100% looks-driven society. Amazing - and infuriating - how much worth is placed on looks. And lets be honest - sure there are some health factors that would be improved by losing weight, but we all know it is so I can shop in normal stores and not get sideways looks from people. I was reading an article written by Russell Brand recently in light of the death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman about addiction. His addiction was/is to heroin however I could relate everything he was talking about to how I see and deal with food. He talked about how when he got it in his head that he needed some, it was his mission to find it. That he would feel so happy when he did get some...all his feelings and daily fight to stay away from it rang all to true. The only difference is it IS possible to stay away from heroin and you must actively seek it out. Food? You HAVE to eat every day and temptation is literally on every corner. This worries me in the sense that I am not sure I can overcome this on my own. I have definitely come to the realization that I don't have the same relationship with food as everyone else I know. I can eat indefinitely. The idea of not being in the mood to eat, or not being hungry is totally foreign to me. I am ALWAYS hungry. Even after I have just eaten. Quality doesn't matter to me. In fact, most of the time, the worse the food the better. I've tried to figure out what might be at the root of all of this. I had a happy, well adjusted childhood. We didn't always eat the healthiest food, but portions were right, and if we were full, we could be done. (It wasn't a "finish everything on your plate" kind of house). My parents are still together and were always there for us. I have awesome, close friends who I can always depend on. I definitely made a wrong choice when it came to my daughter's dad, but it wasn't anything I could have seen coming or had any part of the downfall of the relationship. I have been to therapy and we would often end up talking about things we have in common than dealing with any real issues because everything seemed so normal. I have GOT to get this shit under control before my daughter grows up. She deserves a chance at a happy and healthy life. If I continue at the rate I am, I am going to end up confined to my house, waiting to be on an episode of "My 600 lb Life". So I have taken my first step - I bought a treadmill. Being a single parent of a 2 y/o makes working out very difficult. So the treadmill is going in my garage and after Peanut goes to bed or in the morning before she gets up (or both??), my gigantic butt is getting on that thing, blasting my tunes, and ending this pity party I have going on. Enough's enough. Everyone has their struggle in life. This is mine. I'm ready to fight to the death.

I should be sleeping....

So it is now going on 1am and that makes it about 26 hours awake. Yet I'm still up. Olivia finally drifted off to sleep and I have to be up for work in 6 hours. Good times. I think the most overrated advice for new moms is "oh just sleep when they sleep." Aww sure...if it were that easy. Either I have to force myself to stay awake became she has finally fallen asleep 15 minutes before I have to leave for work, or I have 3 loads of laundry to do, a sinkful of dishes to wash and formula to make all before she wakes up again, or I'm simply not tired. Yet it never fails that when it is all I can do to stay awake, she is wide-eyed and ready to be entertained. I also don't think the idea that moms can always hear their babies cry, even if they are asleep applies to me because when I do get around to getting sleep, I am frighteningly unconscious.

Part of my inability to sleep come from the fact that being a new mommy is scary!! I often think about how I am going to sufficiently educate and guide this little human into a well balanced, productive adult when my favorite tv is infomercials and made for tv movies. I think every twitch and cough is something bad and I can never seem to keep her at an appropriate temperature. Being a mommy and navigating all the equipment that goes with it seems so easy for some moms.

Being a mom is also a very humbling experience. It's so easy to throw down the judgement when you don't have a kid ("I would NEVER give my kid formula!", "I'm going to have a natural birth", "how can those mothers let their kid watch sooo much tv?!") But when reality hits, things change. You and your baby dont connect the way you thought and you have to go formula, I was the only one suffering with the back labor, and if she likes the bright movements on the tv so she stays calm while I go to the bathroom, then that's the way if is.

Yes. I realize this was mainly stream of consciousness. What can I say....I've been awake for 27 hours.